A New Beginning or More of the Same?

Well, not too much happening in the life of yours truly, but I have 4 hours to burn before my first class and nothing to occupy my time, so I figured this was as good a time as any to chat about the new semester among other things..................................................Sorry, drifted off there for a second. Had to step back and listen to Coheed and Cambria's “Welcome Home”. God, I love that song and I miss Rock Band.

Before I attempt to unravel the mysteries of the Korean school culture, I shall discuss the exploits of the past weekend. Nothing too crazy but worth noting none the less. As a precursor to our obligatory partying and merrymaking in Hongdae, our little group decided to explore the underground shopping mall nestled around central Seoul. In general, all the joints were much too classy for an uncultured and unkempt bum such as yours truly, but I followed at the group's behest. Haha, I just had to check dictionary.com to ensure that I used behest properly. Ohhh god my English is fading. And I have no Korean to show for it. Hmmm... Anyways, the highlight of our time in the shopping mall was a discussion of Determinism vs. Humanism over a chocolate fondue. Yup, intellectual discussion and chocolate fondue go together like peanut butter and jelly (which consequently I eat quite a bit of now). I was clearly out of my element, so I tried to imagine the fondue as 12 packs of PBR and the discussion as being about how the Packers are going to the Super Bowl this year, how the Brewers are going to go undefeated, how much I hate people that don't have white skin, and whether George Dubya is a great president or the greatest (I'm leaning towards greatest, but that's just me). It helped. In case the illustrious reader does not know what Determinism or Humanism entail, allow me to assist you. Determinism is roughly the idea that man's decisions are the result of our genes, instincts, and other biological factors outside of our sphere of influence and control. Humanism roughly states that man is the master of the universe and nothing is outside the realm of possibility for man to accomplish. Obviously these definitions are badly simplified, but for our sake they should suffice. I clearly stand strongly behind Humanism and despise Determinism because it, to me, makes all our choices and decisions trivial and meaningless, since we were always going to swing the way we did thanks to our biology and they were gonna happen regardless of what we did. I refuse to acknowledge Determinism despite the fact that there exists some scientific proof in its defense and the fact that I know my life to be tiny and inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. Strange, right? With the heavy thinking behind us, we were free to move on to baser expenditures, namely alcohol. Along the way we enjoyed the excessive attention of several Koreans. Normally I don't write about this kind of stuff, but since we were in Seoul, where it doesn't happen as often, and it was quite exceptional, I decided to include it. Well, firstly, while we were riding the subway we noticed that we had attracted the attention of several middle aged Korean women. Nothing too exceptional at first, since the older generation is always the ones who are most in awe of our Western godliness or something. Things got a little bit stranger when we realized after some 10 minutes or so that the ladies were still staring and whispering amongst themselves and that their attention was honed in on one foreigner in particular: me. Not like I could blame them, what with my chiseled jawline, impeccable musculature, porcelain skin, perfect haircut....sorry, I just couldn't keep going. I just couldn't keep a straight face. The ladies continued to stare and undress me with their eyes (I feel so dirty!) for damn near the whole 30 minute ride or so. I'm glad, however, that I've still got it with the MILF crowd, no matter where I am. Though I probably shouldn't call them MILFs since I would most certainly not like to have sexual intercourse with any of them, regardless of what horrible things they were whispering about doing to me. Amy got her fair share of attention too, which is more typical. The worst gawkers are and will always be the middle aged men, usually egged on by the considerable amount of soju coursing through their veins. As we were leaving the subway, one male in particular walked right next to us and preceded to stare directly at Amy without even looking where he was going. Not even stairs could tear this man away from his sight, as he walked ahead of us all the way up the stairs with his head on a swivel, looking back at us the whole time, rather than where he was going. Subtle, subtle. Having already proven our attractiveness to the older generation, we turned our attention to a younger crowd, namely that in Hongdae, and hoped for similar success. Well, the other group members did. For all those of you back home who had hoped I would blossom into a full-blown man-whore while amongst young women who are supposedly are frenzied for packages exceeding 3 inches or so (no, no you can say it...that's right, “I'm above average!”...at least here), last weekend was a setback. Just wasn't feeling it. Sorry if I let anyone down. Just didn't feel like dancing with anyone, regardless of how hard the other foreigner crew tried. And they did try their damnedest. Went so far as to literally push me up against the ladies. Just wasn't happening. “Excuse me madam, would you perchance mind if I began grinding mine own genitalia against your lovely posterior?” “Not at all my good sir, in fact it would please me to no end if you did in fact carry through on your promise.” “Ahh, lovely!” “Quite right, quite right.” After “dancing” we headed to the noraebang. Anna had picked up a young Korean male, who I recommended that she marry post haste, as he paid for street food for everyone in our party as well as the noraebang room. I'm clearly not that proud as to refuse freebies. But this young man had more than just money: dude could belt it out. He surprised us with some English songs that he knew, most notably “How Deep is your Love?” by the Bee Gees. And yes, he did actually hit the notes. It was so beautiful that I may marry him if Anna doesn't. Somebody's gotta lock that shit down. I finally was able to carry through on a dream that I had been cultivating for the last few months since I found out they have “Dick in a Box” on the noraebang song list. Don't ask me why they do, but they did. I rocked it and rocked it hard. JT would be proud. The Korean guy tried to help out with the singing even though I'm sure he had no idea what the song was actually about. Hilarious. After the noraebang, it was time to head home on the first train. An all nighter. Fuck. I'm too old for this stuff.

Monday was the start of the new semester and brought rise to a plethora of new questions: What would the new principal be like? What would the new kids be like? Will I be able to survive this semester without strangling the co-teacher? Seriously, I still have fucking 6 months left at this school? The first day began with, in true korean style, an overblown ceremony/assembly to announce the new semester, etc. All the teachers were announced, the principal gave a speech, the new students greeted their new classmates, etc, yadayada. I was happy to see that my crazy, Japanese-loathing student won a scholarship from the school in the amount of 500,000 won (250 dollars and dropping...daily....Christ). I asked what he was going to do with it, hoping the answer would be hookers or some sort of weapon bent on destroying Japan. Alack alas, it's going in a savings account or something. I couldn't help but laugh during the ceremony when I saw that the big banner for the ceremony was reused. Now anyone who has been in Korea for a period of time will know that Koreans love to get big banners to announce anything and everything possible, so to see one that was being reused (they had taped a 9 over the last year number and taped over the date to adjust it) was truly a once in a lifetime event. They invest so much effort and time and money into these banners that I can't help wonder if a kid saves up his money to buy one after having sex for the first time in order to announce the fact to the world or if a family gets one for their daughter after she has her period for the first time. Maybe not, though. Another laughable fact of the whole spectacle is the excessive amount of “flowers” for the new principal and vice-principal. For the last few days it has been a steady stream of flower delivery men with pot after pot of congratulatory flowers. It wouldn't be so ridiculous if every plant wasn't the exact same and terribly ugly/plain. Each gift consists of an ugly multi leafed fern in a black pot with yellow decorative paper/trim along the rim of the pot. I wouldn't be so bothered if there wasn't so goddamn many of them. At last count both the principal and vice-principal had at least 15 pots. The offices look like a bloody jungle. Cue the 'Nam flashbacks. As for the new students, they look pretty docile and timid, so there should be no problems. Seriously, I don't think there is a single one I couldn't fit in my pocket with ease. Another plus is that my school got even smaller, as I traded my largest class (27 students), who graduated, for this new class that has only 19 students (my smallest class). That drops the total student total from 73 or 74 to 64 students. Freaking tiny. Yesterday (Tuesday) brought a potential new hurdle as I was introduced to the new principal for the first time. While he did ask me some questions in broken English (my name, where I'm from, my age, if I know Korean), the majority of the time was spent staring at walls while the co-teacher and the principal talked about me in Korean. I was able to catch them talking about where I lived and general stuff like that. I'm a little concerned as he looks to have his shit together and not be just a senile old drunk, which means he may decide to shove his nose where it doesn't belong, aka my classes and my general business. I could immediately tell that he was not pleased that I don't know Korean, having been here for 6 months, as after asking me he went off in Korean talking about Tony, the English teacher in Yangpyeong who has been here for 5 years and has a Korean wife, so thusly his Korean is quite good. All the teachers seem to know Tony since he has been here for so long and as a result all the rest of us get compared to him. I obviously know a lot more Korean than I let on, but I simply will not give up my one advantage of actually knowing what the hell is going on by letting on that I understand any Korean. At present the teachers will talk about me at length when I'm right there because they know I don't understand. Anything I can glean from them is more than I would be told normally, so I play dumb (yeah, yeah, har har....”Shouldn't be hard for you to do Wallin”....har har). After the meeting finished, the co-teacher told me that the principal wants me to learn Korean so I can communicate with the students better. WHAT???? Now in general that reasoning wouldn't be so asinine if for the small fact that I am here solely to teach the kids English. Max, another foreign teacher in town who actually knows Korean, had an addendum added to his contract that stipulated that he cannot and must not use Korean in the classroom. A little excessive, but they seem to have the right idea. I mean, my co-teacher can communicate quite well with the kids because of her Korean, but guess what? The kids' English sucks and it surprisingly doesn't improve when you talk only in Korean. Strange I know but very true. The kids need to be exposed to English and I'm the only one that seems able to do that. Not sure how the principal will be able to enforce that fact, given that none of the teachers seem compelled to help me learn. Not really sure he expects me to pick up the language without any actual teaching. Not well thought out. But then it wouldn't be Korea, now would it? Jethro brought up a good point last night when he suggested that the schools, if they want us to learn Korean so badly, help front the cost for university classes, since Jethro's class cost 800,000 won for 10 weeks of class and we only make 2,000,000 or so a month, that is nearly half a month's paycheck. Throw in the cost of general utilitys, food, and various bills that one may have to pay back in the States (especially with the really terrible conversion rate.... it was around 1000 won to 1 dollar when we arrived, now its 1600 won to 1 dollar), there isn't much left over for saving or for anything. But again, it wouldn't be Korea without unrealistic demands and expectations of foreigners. On another note, I was just told a few minutes ago that there will be an introduction ceremony next Wednesday for me to greet the parents of the new students, I presume. Should be interesting. I can only imagine what absurd expectations Mommy and Daddy have for me in regards to their precious little Parks and Kims. I can say for certain that I will thoroughly enjoy lying through my teeth as to what I will be teaching and how each student is gonna be fluent after working with me. God forbid they find out what actually goes on in my classes. What? No worksheets? No memorization of useless and non-authentic phrases? The kids are actually enjoying English class? The teacher isn't lecturing all hour? What sort of foul foreign sorcery is this? All I can do is smile, nod and let my beautiful white skin and my American birth do all the talking for me. That's all they wanna hear anyways. “And I say, let them eat cake!”