6 months in: An evolving perspective

Hard to believe, but yes I've been gone for more or less 6 months. Which means, of course, that I'm half way done with my contract and getting the hell out of this school. And there was much celebrating. What this also means is that I've hit a natural point to stop and reflect on where I've been and where I'm at today. I'm warning all of you that this post will not contain any of the following: a) Stories about Koreans talking about my penis or any penises whatsoever b) Stories about the stupid and absurd things that Koreans do besides those involving penises c) Stories about the stupid things that I do as a result of the stupid things Koreans do d) Stories about the stupid things I do that have no relation to anything Koreans have done e) Funny. If you have come to this site looking for any of the aforementioned items, I suggest you leave now. Those who feel like continuing are free to do so. Just don't say I didn't warn you. Enter at your own risk....

Well, I've been here for several months now and I've been thinking about lots of things. The most intriguing to me has been the recent change in feel of almost everything about Korea. I'm not really sure why this is, so perhaps I'm only writing this in an attempt to work through it on paper, rather than in the clutter of my mind. I think the change roughly translates to when Alyse left. She must have shook some sense into me or something. Either way I thank her tremendously for it. I first realized the change the day after she left. I happened to be pondering what to do about next year, as I had been up till then struggling with what to do when my contract expires. Having decided early on that I wanted to stay in Korea long enough to get a good grasp on Korean and thus use it as a skill back home, most likely with hospital translation as I really, really miss UW Children's Hospital, I was faced with two options: renew with my same school or move to Seoul. Each option had its positives, as my current school offers wonderful kids, nice teachers, the known and comfortable, and a free paid 2 week vacation home between contracts, while Seoul offers, well the luxury of being close to everything, most notably capoeira and instruction in Korean. I had been going back and forth before Alyse arrived, clearly wanting the advantages of Seoul, but not wanting to leave the gym teacher and his family who has given so much for me. After Alyse left I pondered the question again and realized within several nanoseconds (yeah, I'm that fucking fast) that the choice was quite obvious: I will go to Seoul. I suddenly couldn't understand why there had even been a debate previously. Seoul has everything I want out of Korea, while my current town has nothing I want to get out of Korea. I realized that I was contemplating staying solely due to the vacation, which given the manner in which I live, would be easy to afford, and out of respect to the gym teacher and his family. The answer seemed so incredibly simple: I have to decide for what I want, what is best for me. I would have stayed in Yangpyeong just to be nice to the gym teacher, which seemed incredibly stupid to me now and I can't even understand how I could have thought that way. Could I really have been that nice, that selfless, that I would suffer through another year just to pay back the gym teacher for what he has done me? Man, I'm fucking stupid. I had discussed the issue while Alyse was here and she was as well struck by my difficulty with the choice. Alyse, being the wise sage she is, simply said, “Go to Seoul. You can always come back and visit on the weekends whenever you want.” Simple as that. I just couldn't see it. Thankfully that cloud or fog or whatever it was has lifted and I began to see everything in a new, clear light. No more struggling at school to teach/do what the co-teacher wants or suggests. I've always known that she is a terrible teacher and has no idea what she is doing, but yet I cared what she thought I have my own thing going and I'm gonna stick to that. I know what I'm doing (sort of) and I'm going to keep trying new stuff that I feel might work. I really don't care if she doesn't like what I'm doing, as long as the kids like it, are interested, and seem to be getting something, anything out of it. The former issue of hanging out with the gym teacher even though I really just wanna relax by myself is also a non issue now. I appreciate all that he's done for me, and I always love a home cooked meal made by someone other than myself. The kids are also a delight, but on some level I never really enjoyed myself and never fully relaxed like I do around my friends. Maybe it was because it felt like more work at times with all the English tutoring, but whatever the reason, I just wasn't enjoying myself most of the time and really just wanted to relax by myself at home. Maybe it was more of the same isolated and alone feelings I get at school despite being surrounded by many people. Things were quite fun when Alyse and I had dinner with them, but I'm quite confident that Alyse could have made nearly anything fun. Nothing the Koreans did. Now, after comparing hanging out with the foreigner crew and with my adventures with the gym teacher's family, I think I might understand the problem. I simply don't consider the gym teacher a friend. An acquaintance, a co-worker, whatever, but not really a friend, at least by my definition. He's already shown by his decisions regarding the mold in my apartment that when push comes to shove between me and other Koreans, he simply doesn't have my back. With this new found clarity I can't help but wonder if he would have invited me over nearly every night if he didn't have young children that can use any extra English practice he can get them. Given how pricey hagwons are per month, feeding me doesn't really seem like that much money, regardless of how much food I may shove down. It may be overly harsh, but I really can't shake this feeling that I'm being used for my English and that's about it. From now on, I'm only gonna go over to his house if I want to, not because I should or I feel like I have to or because it would be nice to. Besides, I'm doing capoeira 3 days a week, so I don't have the time to see him anyways.

Another big change has been in how I see my time in Korea in general. Looking back at the first few months, I feel like I thought this was basically an extended vacation, and I had to see everything and do everything. I traveled around and ate all kinds of things and saw many things, some good, some incredibly strange. I brushed aside the idea of establishing some sort of normalcy/comfort level because in my head I felt like this was just some big vacation and that this shock/surprise/excitement over being in a new place with new sights wouldn't ever fade. Turns out, that euphoria over being in a new place eventually fades and when it did, my life was revealed to be pretty empty. I realized the depth of my “hole”, so to speak, when after Alyse left I realized that I had nothing to look forward to until July or August when I take my next vacation and come back to the States to visit. Seriously, I didn't have anything substantial at all to look forward to during the 5 or so months till then. No tangible or strong reason to get up in the morning. Nothing to be excited about in the short term. I knew that I couldn't survive like that, living from vacation to vacation, simply a lifeless husk, a zombie, during the terms, just merely surviving the grind, always with both eyes towards some arbitrary date several months away, with no concern/attention to the present. Something clearly had to change. That's when I decided to start capoeira. I had originally decided not to join as the commute (1.5 hours each way, 3 days a week) was much to exhausting. Now, with my new perspective, I realized that the commute was a small price to pay in order to have something to wake up for every morning. I understand now why Jethro has to go to Seoul everyday for Korean classes or his martial arts class. For Bert, the same thing. I had found something to look forward each day, as I certainly wasn't going to bed pleasuring myself thinking about my job and school, that's for damn sure. And you know what, I even met some Koreans that I actually like/would want to talk to in Korean, thus giving me a reason to practice Korean. I'm also not excluded as the foreigner, as the white skinned waegook, I'm simply just another capoeirista. Damn, it feels good.

All of these preceding changes in lifestyle and attitude have combined to make the last several weeks some of the most enjoyable/peaceful/satisfying of the entire time here. No more stressing overly about work, since I have something to help me completely forget that I'm even in Korea (which is a wonderful tool to have), yet I still have plenty of time to chill and appreciate some peace and quiet. I think I've finally found a routine that can keep me from losing my mind and abruptly strangling my co-teacher for the remainder of my time here in Yangpyeong, as well as carry me through another year in Seoul. A major factor in the newly formed peace and serenity is the core group of foreigners, of whom minimal mention had been made until now. This last weekend we attempted something completely new for us: travel away from Seoul. Far, far away from Seoul, to be exact. Amy's apartment in Yangdong, to be even more exact. Having grown tired with simply drinking the hours away in Seoul (I'm sorry Wisconsin and Madison, but I never claimed to be a good “Wisconsinite”...I just don't like booze that much), we decided to head in the opposite direction, in order to get the polar opposite of Seoul. Yangdong makes my teeny little shit stain on the underwear of Korea, Yangpyeong, look like, well...a really, really big shit stain (ohh forgive me as the power of the pen fails me). We did have the “pleasure” of meeting Amy's co-teacher for several minutes, which was more than enough to show me just how poor my co-teacher is. He speaks English comfortably and can hold a real conversation with a foreigner for a period of time? You don't need to slow your speech in order for him to understand? Surely, surely you jest. No good sir, I do not. Here in the middle of nowhere, we have found a Korean that I would deem qualified to teach English (never said he was a good teacher, in fact he is far from it. I believe an adequate word for him in English would be “terrible”. Maybe even “god awful”). Enough about Mr. Kim (imagine that, a Korean named Kim!), we have movies to watch. That was the goal of the “sleepover” (ohhh, can I call it that? I think I can!), to watch many movies, presumably scary ones, and eat delicious food cooked by Ms. Powis. All in all, everything was wonderful, from the food to the movies to the company. I had no idea how much I had missed playing gay chicken. Damn that is some fun shit. Ohh, Maria and Collin, you guys are so right. We are so fucked up in the head that we really can't function that well in groups outside our own. I was sufficiently relaxed enough to let fly some of the everyday stuff from back in the Mound St house. Cept, I wasn't in the Mound St house. I think I made everyone else sad. I think I even grossed out Jamie, our foul mouthed Brit. Damn you Rounds, Jason, Brian, Collin, and Maria. You and your foul minds. As for everyone that was there, many apologies. I promise I'll operate on no more than 20 percent of full foul capacity, maybe even less. 70 percent or so was too much for the company in question. I forget that some people really don't like talking about that stuff all the time. Which brings up the valid question: what are you supposed to talk about if not that stuff? Seriously, the whole weekend made me realize how much I miss just sitting around at someone's house and doing something, or maybe nothing. It becomes nearly impossible here, as everyone lives in numerous directions and their housings are much too small to house their owner, let alone guests. Drinking and partying together in Seoul is fun, sure, but there is something about the relaxed (perhaps too relaxed) atmosphere of house parties and hanging out in people's basements that simply can't be topped. Period.