Collin Stecker visits Korea!!! (yeah, it was pretty EPIC)

So the last few weeks have been full of adventure and mishaps (mostly mishaps) culminating in the appearance of a certain Mr. Collin Stecker. Time is a wasting, so lets go down to business.

School has been much the same, which in this case is a good thing, but last week we did have one of my classes observed. Not a full-on, 30-something guest teachers watching, but just two supervisors who wanted to make sure I wasn't fucking up too bad, I guess. The class itself went fine, but the performance review afterward was a bit weird. Both of the women that came to observe spoke good English, but at the beginning of the discussion they told me that "in the interest of saving time, we'll conduct the discussion in Korean. Your co-teacher will fill you in later." I'll try not to be offended by that and punch you in the ovaries for that asshole move. It was a performance review for me, after all. You might have included me at least a little. No biggie, as I'm basically fluent in Korean. From what they said, our biggest problem was that I'm just too fucking handsome. They commended the co-teacher on being able to actually carry out her teaching duties in the face of such paralyzing beauty. They were concerned about how much English the children were retaining, as they, the observers, were barely able to stop staring at me long enough to write down comments, so what chance do the impressionable children have in actually learning something......Hmmm, on second thought, maybe my Korean isn't that great.

In this week's installment of "funny shit kids do", we have "Who Farted?". During one of 3rd grades group activities, I spotted one of the groups was pointing and yelling at each other while covering their faces with their shirts. When I moved in to investigate, I caught a healthy odor in the air. An amateur ass air release, but still impressive given the source. Sure enough, the children were blaming each other for the stink. It was clearly the boys, as their scapegoats were very hastily chosen. They singled out the girls and everybody knows that girls don't fart or poop. That's just common knowledge. I quickly won the girls' support by accusing the boys, but they surprisingly fired back by blaming me. Now, had these not been 3rd graders with very limited English ability, I would have explained to the children that had it been me, they would 1) clearly know it beyond a shadow of a doubt 2) The air would be noticeably thicker and breathing would become difficult 3) Your senses would be assaulted until you submitted and preyed for death's sweet release. As they were 3rd graders, I simply joined in the finger pointing and yelling "No, you did it!!".

The other moment involved my new haircut (shitty, as always). The teachers were supportive and said it looked cute and that I looked even younger, like 17. Okay, maybe that's not a compliment. Anyways, some of my favorite students wandered into the office to chat with some of the other teachers, and they naturally spied my haircut. The first one actually started laughing at me. I naturally told the 3 ft nothing, 12 lb little girl to stop making fun of me and picking on me, but that didn't help. She just kept laughing. Then to pile on the insult, my absolute favorite student, the one that lived in Malaysia for a year that speaks great English, starting saying "EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!" in regards to my hair. Who knew third graders could be so mean.

In other unrelated student stuff, one of my third grade classes has a new student, who just came back from some extended time living in California. Naturally, she's bored as shit with the basic English class, but what was startling was the maturity level difference. Now, she may be a bit older, as her Korean may not have been up to par to allow her into her actual class, but still. I get the sense that if I gave the rest of the class some bubbles or balloons, they would be content forever, while this girl would probably look at me and say something like, "What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?" The gap is shocking. I don't know what causes it, but there is a huge maturity difference between Koreans and Americans of the same age. I won't pretend to know why that is, but if I had to ask either an American 3rd grader or a Korean college student questions about adult stuff like sex, etc and wanted the answers.....I would probably go with the American 3rd grader. Yup. I don't know how those American elementary kids know so much about sex, but they do.

With all these new body image and self worth problems, I needed some alcohol to forget about just how hideous and disgusting I am. Thankfully, the weekends were more than willing to serve up the booze and subsequent mishaps. Last Friday, after a satisfying Mexican dinner and then some wine, our little group found its way to a small little music bar. When I say little, I mean it. The entire place housed 20-30 people max. All but one or two were Western, so tonight's horror story comes at the hands of an American woman, rather than creepy Korean men. Same result though: yours truly getting much too much attention from people I strongly wish to avoid. Things started turning for the worst once I was dragged out on the dance floor by the ladies in the group. Let that be a lesson to you out there: forcing men to dance only leads to disaster. Anyways, while out on the floor I noticed that one lady in particular was giving me a lot of attention and kept finding a way to bump into to me on the floor. I'll call her BB, for big breasts, since I don't remember her actual name. That might seem kinda harsh, but she went to consider effort to show them off (yeah, one of those chicks), so to ignore them would really be insulting her. Anyways, after sinning against God (yeah, my dancing is that bad) for long enough on the dance floor, I sat down. And since I was sitting by myself, I was ripe for the picking. Cue BB. She wanders over and grabs my hand and takes me back on the floor. OOOOOOOOOOOOhhhhh no. I immediately knew what was happening, but because I'm a spineless weiner, I didn't stop it right there. She began dancing and gyrating around, in an attempt to interest, I think, but it didn't work in the least. Would have taken one hell of a dance, cuz this chick was not attractive to me at all. I presume this whole thing was quite amusing to spectators, as she was shaking it at hard as it could go, while I stood around and made no attempt at all to dance. Soon enough, though, she started swinging her face in close for some tonsil action. For whatever reason (I'M REALLY DUMB, THAT'S WHY!!!), I decided to go with and make out with this girl. Part of the way through I realized how awful of an idea this was. Course, once wasn't enough for this girl, but I was ready the next couple times. She leans in, I lean out to cough. She leans in, I lean out as part of my sweet dance moves. She leans in, I turn my head to call to one of my friends. Speaking of my "friends", I kept looking for them for backup, but they were just sitting around laughing at me. I love my friends. Anyways, she eventually asks for my name, I tell it, then she reciprocates and gives me her name. I'm not listening and don't care, so I don't catch it. Then a few minutes later, she asks me what her name is. Naturally, I don't know and she gets upset and tells me I have to buy her a drink. Hallelujah, an excuse to get off the dance floor.

Course, once I buy her a drink, it doesn't end. She follows me back to my seat and sits down right next to me. AND wraps her leg around mine. She is mighty subtle. Anyways, then the talking starts which is really where this girl excels....I'm being sarcastic, naturally. She starts off by saying I'm really cute. Then there's the awkward silence. Then she ends the silence by saying I need to reciprocate and compliment her. Wow, this is gonna be hard. I struggle for a bit, then tell her that her hair is really red. It was obviously died, but it was something. Then she tells me I'm cute again. Meaning, I have to compliment her again. Now I'm out of stuff to say, so I naturally turn to the most obvious one: her breasts. I mean, these things look like they are desperately trying to escape, they are that exposed. "You have nice breasts" I say. She happily excepts the compliment and tells me I'm cute again. This time I have nothing, so I say nothing. She keeps the conversation going by asking where I'm from, then talking positively about Oshkosh (she was from Chicago). Q: How do you know a woman is really, really desperate? A: She will stoop to talking warmly about Oshkosh, Wisconsin. Wow. At this point, the girls showed up and scared her off. I then went and hid outside for the next 30 minutes to avoid her. Course, when I did go back inside, she found me again and tried to drag me back on the dance floor. I sputtered something about having to go and I just ran away, back outside. Smooth. I think I'm just gonna convert to Buddhism and live the monastic lifestyle from now on. Would be a bunch easier.

With my awkward experiences out of the way, its time for the recounting of Collin's EPIC trip to Korea during the next weekend. He showed up on Friday and left Tuesday morning, so it was just enough time to see everything worth seeing in Korea (I kid, I kid). Anyways, I met up with Collin Friday night out front of my nearest subway station, as I had instructed him to catch an airport bus to my area. Cept, it didn't go as smooth as I would have liked. I badly misjudged how long it would take to get to my area, so I freaked out for a bit cuz, well, I couldn't find him and he was supposed to be here by now. I just so happened to see an airport bus, which I assumed Collin was on, at the time I assumed he would get in, but no Collin. Ohhhhhh crap. Now, I know most people would probably pat me on the back or give me awards for misplacing Mr. Stecker, perhaps permanently, but Collin's mom would be upset and she's wonderful (wink) and I really don't wanna upset her. I'm sure the Koreans hanging out at the coffee shops in the area were at least a little unsettled by the frazzled looking foreigner who appeared to have stopped taking his meds, but what can you do? Eventually Collin showed up, 30 minutes later than I had guessed. I'm good at math...

Anyways, we immediately headed to capoeira so Collin could get an idea exactly what my group is like. We walked in a little late to find the group practicing (I couldn't fucking believe it!) music. Collin's thoughts: "Well, the instructor is singing so faintly at times that its hard to hear him, nobody is really that skilled with the instruments, and several people looked like they were zombies (aka zero energy being put in)." Yeah, that just about sums it up. Now, I know the instructor doesn't have that much experience with Portuguese, hell his English isn't super great, but he still should have a better grasp of the songs for his experience. We are kinda depending on him to teach us this shit. After music ended, we assembled for the roda. Now, the instructor was so enamoured with Collin, that he made a big push for both of us to attend the group's demo the next day, naturally so the group wouldn't look quite as bad. Why all the love? Well, Collin can actually play a respectable game, and even more importantly, actually can play the instruments and sing. Although, some of his songs kinda flopped as nobody else in the group knew the lyrics and I hadn't heard them in over a year, so I was a bit slow on the uptake. "He's only been training for 4ish years? Wow." Yeah, that's what QUALITY instruction will do for ya.

Afterwards, we headed to Gangnam to meet up with some of the girls in the Madison group. Since they had already eaten, we decided to grab some food while they started drinking. We settled for the chicken grilled at the table and while it cooked we experienced first hand just how awful Korean beer and soju is, made fun of kimchi, talked about Japan, and discussed other matters that probably would have offended the other occupants, provided they could understand English and weren't three sheets to the wind already. Meal over, we headed across the street to meet up with the girls. While there we discussed all manner of ridiculous topics, drank some of the worst wine ever (I'm told it was a combination of 3 different wines...why would you ever do that????), and observed the humorous drunken activity of the Korean ladies sitting near us (how drunk you say??? They were staring quite contentedly at yours truly and actually summoned up the courage to talk to us...so really drunk). A solid night.

Thanks to the previous evening, we got up and rolling and ready to explore Seoul by the bright and early time of 1 in the afternoon. Ugggggg. We immediately headed to Insadong, cuz its cool, unlike many parts of Seoul. We were in search of a sweet tea house and by sheer luck stumbled onto the coolest one ever. Not only was it the smallest little place ever (12 tables total), all the trinkets and knickknacks gave the place a incredibly chill atmosphere. But the best part? Birds. Live ones. That fly around the whole time. Guess that's why its called the Bird tea house or something like that. Couple these little finches constant chattering with the relaxed music, and you have the greatest place ever. Collin and I stuck around for 2 cups of tea. Now, I was criticized for wanting to drink two cups of the same type of tea (plum), but by the end of our times at the tea house (yeah, we went back sunday), everybody was getting the plum tea. It's a religious experience, sans all the shitty stuff that comes with religion. So its actually nothing like a religious experience.

After Insadong, we decided to wander over to Gyeongbokgung palace since its the biggest palace and all the palaces look the same and we wanted to get it all the historical/palace stuff done in one shot. Cept, we got there so late they were already closing for the day, what with the early darkness of winter. Ooops. We instead wandered around Cheonggyecheon (the man-made stream in central Seoul) and checked out the crazy lanterns and displays they had set up along the banks. I guess there was some big lantern festival going on or something. Next, we headed to the newly constructed plaza across the street dedicated to King Sejong and his most scientific language ever: Hangeul. It went something like this: Interpreter guy: "Hey, do you know that the Korean language is very scientific?" Me: "Yes.....I do..." "Do you also know that Hangeul was created by King Sejong?" "......(sigh)" "Let me tell about how Hangeul is the most scientiferrific language ever!" (Facepalm). I guess Hangeul is scientific or something.

Our education out of the way, we headed to Dondaemun, just so Collin could see the mess and chaos. As a result, if anyone ever needs zippers...well, I know a guy. More like 30. Vendors exclusively selling zippers. Who would have thought? From there we headed to Mt. Namsan to check out the tower. I took Collin to the cable cars, cuz really how many cities have cable cars?? Course, we soon realized that 99.99999% of the other cable car occupants were couples. Collin must have realized this as he was not even the least bit interested in holding hands with me. All the effort I put forth showing him the town, the least he could do would be to put out. Just a little. Thats all I ask. The ride, as usual, was filled with squealy Koreans who were unnerved by the fact that we were hanging in a metal box many, many feet above the ground. Seriously, you have a much greater chance of dying in a car related mishap (especially in Korea) than any harm befalling you in the cable car. Once up at the top we top some pictures, then moved to the South lookout point. It was here that we say countless locks chained the fence (to symbolize the secure/togetherness of the visiting couples) as well as a stand that could immortalize a couple's clasped hands in wax. Ms. Prude Collin didn't want to do either. !@#$!@%!@%. If I knew he was gonna be like this, I would have just invited the girl from the previous weekend. Lord knows she would be game.

From here, we headed to Jamsil to meet up with the girls. We originally had settled on meeting on some place about equal distance from where we were (Mt. Namsan) and where they were (Jamsil, shopping). Cept they settled down for some drinks and never moved. Now we really weren't sure what to expect, as they sounded progressively more affected by the alcohol each time we talked. Plus they said they were drinking outside....in 30 something degree weather....next to Lotte World, the amusement park....and were getting weird looks from the families passing by. Well, I assumed they would be sitting at the benches that would naturally be arranged around the lake. Nope. They were sitting on some freezing cold rocks along the edge of the walkway, basically in the bushes, eating chocolate and cheese, and drinking a bottle of wine each. As goofy as they were, it was so incredibly Wisconsin of them and it made me a little proud. From here, we headed to your average tiny divey Korean restaurant. And we all continued drinking, primarily soju. That was a mistake. Once finished with the meal, we hopped a cab to Hongdae to meet with others in the group. Here's where shit got dramatic. First, one of the ladies fell asleep in the cab. Really, really out. Course, now we have to figure out how the hell we are gonna carry her around to some hotel. Unfortunately, she woke up. Why unfortunately? Cuz she started throwing up as soon as she regained consciousness. We asked the cabbie to stop immediately (still 3 subway stops away from our destination) and escorted her over to a wall. Once she had finished, we began walking to a destination, which was now a hotel for our beleaguered comrade. After walking several blocks and having really no idea where we were, Amy hailed a cab and quickly hopped in with our under the weather friend. Cept, she left Collin and I standing in the dust, with the victim's now quite smelly bag. We wandered around for a bit, trying to figure out where Amy went and waiting for Amy to call so we could deliver the stinky bag to her. Boy were we horrified when Amy called to tell us that when they had stopped the cab to let our sick friend out and empty her guts....she ran off. And Amy had no idea where she was. And she wasn't answering her cell phone. And Amy had no idea where she was. Understandably we freaked. Well, maybe just me. Collin would have to have a soul to freak out about the well-being of other human beings. After 30 minutes of flustered wandering, Amy called back to inform us that she had found our friend and that she was now comfortably sleeping in a hotel, which just so happened to be pretty close to where we were at the time. We stopped by, dropped off the bag, and headed back to Hongdae. And all of this before 10:45pm. Wow. Course, we were all too freaked out and stone cold sober to drink anything at the club, so we just went home after a bit and headed to bed.

The most shocking thing was Collin and Amy. No, your eyes aren't playing tricks with you. That's Collin and a female. Fuck, I still can't believe it. Maybe he's not gay or asexual after all. Could have fooled me. Amy told Collin right away that she found him cute, thanks to her straightforward nature (why we love her) but mostly the alcohol (it does that sometimes), but what shocked me was that Collin reciprocated. Dude flirted right back. WHAT??????? Since when does Collin do that????? Regardless, they were quite cute and goofy together. Maybe tomorrow pigs will fly and religious crazies will decide that gays aren't going to bring about the downfall of the modern world, but maybe not.

Again, we didn't get rolling too quickly on Sunday morning either, probably around 1pm again. At least this time we had Amy's deliciously prepared breakfast as a tasty consolation prize. Eggs in a basket??? Yes, please. This time around, we actually got to Gyeongbokgung palace before it closed and Collin was simply overwhelmed with all the history and shit. While strolling through the attached museum, we stumbled upon a rather disturbing Korean tradition: Placenta pots. Yeah, you heard right. I guess traditionally, after a child was born, the placenta was placed in a small pot and buried in a particular pot. I believe it was supposed to bring about a healthy life and good luck. Ohhh, and a very rare placenta tree. Those must be nasty.

After the palace it was back to the bird tea house for more plum tea. Not worth all the effort and money, you say? Try some. You'll be going back too. Bellies warmed, we headed off to Namdaemun, so I could show Collin all the ridiculous shit that he would never want to buy. From there it was to Myeongdong, so Collin could get real up close and personal with the stink of Korean commerce. It is a potent brew. Not too much enjoyment, outside of when we wandered past the lingerie store and its lovely advertisements (yeah, we are creepers, what of it?). See, its been 2 full days in Korea and I'm already out of stuff to show Collin.

On Monday, while I worked, Collin did almost nothing. He woke up real late (perhaps cuz he didn't get much sleep saturday night...wink, wink), then couldn't find the subway station, so he just wandered around and came back when I got back from work. From there it was one last capoeira class, followed by dinner at the most Korean of restaurants, Mad for Garlic, and its solid Italian menu, then back to the homestead. Collin left early Tuesday without so much as even a little spooning over the whole weekend. You'd think for all the work I went through to show him around, he'd throw me just a little of something, anything. Nope. Christ, at this point you might as well call me Mr. Blue (Bowling) Balls. On that lovely imagery, I bid you all adieu for now.