The End

Now, I know seeing a title like that written by me leads people to believe that I'm gonna set off on some self-indulgent emo bullshit, but fortunately for you, this is not that. I just finished my last day at work and the only thing between me and the airplane heading home tomorrow night is one last dinner and drinks with Jamie and the capoeira crew and then some packing tomorrow morning. Has it really been 2.5 years since I dropped in? It sure doesn't feel like it. Apologies if this rambles on, but I'm still not sure exactly what I need to or want to say to wrap up this whole Korean venture. As I write it, no less.

I guess since everybody in the last few days here has been asking me "Why are you leaving?", that would be a good point to start the rambling (err, I mean discussion). The interesting thing is how my reasons for wanting to leave Korea have changed over my time here. My reasons for wanting to bounce back in the first few months? Everything. I mean everything. The job frustrated me to no end, the country frustrated me, I was bored, had nothing to do, had no friends, you name it, I was struggling with it. But slowly many of those things dropped away. I got a friend or two (which is alot for me), found some things to do and life settled out. Still the job was frustrating me so I had two choices: switch schools or leave. I changed jobs and things improved and for a time I was content. I was traveling around, keeping myself occupied, seeing new stuff. Everything was good. But then I began to get bored and I absolutely knew that I had to leave Korea because it was too boring. But then I had a change of perspective. Up until that point, I had been trying to travel and see shit every weekend, to have some crazy adventure, so to speak. When I ran out of places to run to, suddenly Korea became boring. But then it occurred to me: I wasn't traveling or embarking on some grand adventure every weekend back in America, so why wasn't I bored there? I didn't treat it as some exotic adventure, I was just living, that's why. So when I took the foot off the pedal, so to speak, and just went about enjoying the everyday, everything seemed to work out.

Which brings us to today. So why then am I leaving? To be 100% honest, I could have stayed for longer and would have enjoyed myself. Korea is a stable place, a safe place, a solid place. Sure, I have a lot of complaints, ranging from the petty (people spit all over the place, too many people on the subway, etc.) to the legitimate (my apartment sucks, my job isn't stimulating enough most of the time, etc), but every place has its flaws. It's not like I can't find stuff to complain about back in Wisconsin (cough Gov. Walker and his anti-union bill cough cough). The reasons why I have to leave, why I couldn't stay here forever, why I couldn't settle down here are twofold: 1) No variety 2) No space.

I've thought about it long and hard and that's as simply as I can break down my issues. It's not really Korea's fault for either of the issues, but that's how it breaks down. The "No variety" one is pretty easy to figure out. When the overwhelming majority of the population is of one ancestry, one ethnicity (99% of the population has Korean ancestry and only 2% of the population are deemed "foreigners" even though half of those are Chinese of Korean ethnicity), variety is gonna be hard to come by. I've been spoiled by living in America where I have numerous sub-cultures at my fingertips. Want food from some rando country? Done. Want to watch TV programs broadcast in a language that isn't English? Easy as cake. Wanna rent a movie from wherever? Done. And what about the color, energy, and effects of all these cultural interactions (obviously not all cultural collisions turn out so well...)? Face it, I have a short attention span. I need different stuff or I start to get bored and tune out after not too long. So when I go out in the street and hear the same lousy K-pop songs time after time or when I turn on the tv and see the same cliched soap operas and celebrity driven gag shows over and over or when I walk in the street and see people dressing in the same style, with the same haircut, with the same body type and the same facial features, I lose it. I pray to God that no wacko like Hitler ever achieves some dream of a master race by wiping out everybody different, cuz it would be the most bland, uninteresting, sad world ever. Variety is the spice of life, they say, and I badly need that spice to enjoy myself.

And the space thing? Well, that's pretty easy too. There are simply too many people crammed into too small a country. Nothing you can do about that. Even when I would travel into the countryside and try and enjoy some nature to myself, I faced crowds. I never thought you could have bumper to bumper traffic hiking up a mountain, but I've seen it. And it was awful. You want to get away from it all, just you and the woods or the mountain or the ocean? Impossible. There is always gonna be a gaggle of other people there. There are no such things as "secret" areas or "undiscovered" spots. Me, I grew up in Wisco where the cows greatly outnumber the people and for me to be comfortable, I need that space. Space to run wild, run free, to let loose, space to get away, whatever. Here, no matter the location, I can't fully extend my arms without hitting 2 or 3 people. Obviously I'm exaggerating (am I?), but you understand the principle of it. And I'm forced to deal with a Catch 22. If I want space, then I can live in the country, but then the variety of stuff I need is nonexistent. But if I live in the city and enjoy the variety, then I have to sacrifice the space. I'm a selfish guy. I want both. Sorry.

The issue with space works on multiple levels too. The "ceiling" is too low here, both figuratively and literally. My head scraps the ceiling on buses, I have to duck to leave buses and subway cars and sometimes buildings. As for the figurative "ceiling", think about a future here in Korea. How high can I possibly go? My teaching job is stable and okay, but can I ever really move up to a higher pay, higher/better position? Sure, I could maybe move to a university, but what then? What could I accomplish if I stayed longer? Settle down and marry a Korean woman? Start a family? I'm not sure I want that, period, regardless of country. Because I have no Korean blood, I'll never be Korean, always an outsider, so can't really expect to be "accepted" or feel at home, so to speak. And my occupational options are limited, again due to my race. I could improve my Korean even more, but to what end? I've lost my motivation at present because I can't see where Korean would take me. I mean, it would certainly help take me places, especially in the business world, but I don't think I want to go to those places. Hmmm.

And because I am an outsider, I never feel completely comfortable stretching out, relaxing and just being me. Everyone's eyes are always on me, so I can't ever really let my guard down. So there is no space for me to be myself.

Now, from reading the last few paragraphs, one could reasonably draw the conclusion that Korea is a horrible place. I sure have been critical of it, but that's just me rambling and whining about shit. Korea is a solid place, all the way through. The easiest way to describe our relationship is that Korea and I are just poorly suited for each other. We are not a good match. Too different with not enough stuff in common. We disagree in our way of thinking, in our tastes in food, in our tastes in music, in our tastes in culture, in our societal preferences and our tastes in women (that's a biggie). We just aren't meant to be together. That's not to say either of us is bad or hopeless or to be avoided. We were young when we hopped in bed together, tried to make it work for a time, but eventually we had to concede that we are just too different to make it work as a couple. So now its time to move on with our lives in separate directions.

So before I close, I should toss out some thank yous. Thank you to everybody in our little group that helped hold shit together for me (especially for that first year). You guys rock and the last 6 months was not the same without all of you around. Thank you to everybody at Cordao de Ouro Seoul and Capoeira Korea for letting me train with you guys. You folks aren't my group and you don't play with the same style, but you all love capoeira and that's all that really matters. Thank you to all the wonderful folks from my Korean classes. Sure, we didn't speak as much Korean as we probably should have in class, but damn was it fun with you guys around. And finally, to Korea itself, thank you. While you weren't always "good" or "nice" or "wonderful", you were always interesting and I learned and experienced and grew so much because of it. Thank you all. Goodnight.


P.S. I'm still gonna keep writing posts from time to time. It isn't really the end. Obviously I'm not done traveling and getting into mischief.