Skiing in Korea: Mayhem on the Mt.

It's been about a week, so time for another post about the past week. Surprisingly, shit actually happened in the last week, so there are stories to tell. Wednesday led off the adventures, as all or nearly all of the foreign teachers within Gyeonggi province (GEPIK) were given the day off (cuz that's all it really was, a day off from teaching) to attend a workshop in Seoul. As per usual, it was a waste of time, as the lecture material and advise was unapplicable for the vast majority of teachers. We were blessed to have an actual Korean principal explain to us the finer details of the Korean mindset to help us better understand our co-workers. The shortened version: Korea is different from where you are from. We understand that you have issues with your co-workers, it's not their fault. It's Korean culture. They can't help it. Try to accommodate to them. The beautiful thing about the lecture is that they explicitly tagged the foreigner concern that whenever one of us is critical about some fucked up aspect of Korea, our co-teacher's just brush it off as, "Ohh, that's just Korean culture, that's just how it is", yet the entire lecture was basically a huge example of blaming on culture. Some day Korea will realize just how ridiculous it is and understand what we've been laughing about for years. I just hope it's not too soon, as it would make my time here a lot less entertaining. They also made a big deal of Korean smiles and the connotations/significance of the expression or some bullshit like that.

My first real opportunity to put to the test the plethora of insight about Korea came Thursday when I was privy to one of the most idiotic moments in Korean English teaching history. I've been working with the gym classes and helping teach the class/talk to the kids in English for a while and its never been much of deal, so I was quite confused when I was told that I needed to "plan" for gym class with the gym teacher. When we got outside, I was told by the English co-teacher, as she was there to, that I would be translating what the Korean teacher says during the warmup. All Korean gym classes begin with a stupid little calisthenics (spelling?) routine where they touch their toes, run in place, etc. for several minutes. Well, I'm told by both teachers that I will be telling the students what to do for the routine in English directly following the Korean instructor's rules. So basically, he tells them to run in place while he counts to 8 in Korean, then I repeat the process but in English. And since this is so complicated, we have to prepare what each command/stretch translates to in English. The cherry on top was when I was asked what you would call a particular routine where the student runs in place while they pull their arms in and tuck them close to their armpit in fists, then reach out toward the sky, directly in front of them, and then finally towards their toes. Obviously there are many ways you could that in English, so I tried to find one that wasn't incredibly long and difficult for the students and offered up "Reach out like this, like this, etc." while demonstrating. I told the teachers that I wasn't really sure what the "right" way to say that was, and I was told, and they were completely serious about this, that I should find a dictionary and study to find the proper word, then tell them. Dear Lord, It's Eric. I know we don't talk much, what with me denying your existence and all, but hopefully we can get past our differences and you can help me out here. I would really appreciate if you could strike me down where I stand and save me the agony that is me trying to wrap my mind around what just transpired. Thanks. They also asked me to type out the commands and print them out for them, then made a big deal that each command wasn't in its proper order. I had just listed them, but not in order. Chaos ensued. As I expected, the new Englishee initiative failed horribly. The kids hate the routine for the obvious reasons as its stupid and not very helpful. Most of the kids just stand around during it when the gym teacher isn't watching. In theory, we were doubling the amount of time wasted with the English parts, but it actually turned out much worse, as when I began demonstrating and going through the steps in English I was routinely interrupted and stopped by the gym teacher because I wasn't doing it right, only to have to start over from the beginning. The majority of the time was spent with the students and myself being equally confused as to what the fuck we where doing, while the Korean gym teacher screamed at them for just standing around being confused. For the 1st graders, he actually had over half the class stand off to the side and hold their hands above their heads because they were misbehaving, according to him. In a side note, the children really seem to hate gym class and the gym teacher, as he just yells at them and makes them to manual labor. One grade had to clean out the storage shed so new flooring and cabinets could be put in, while another had to carry 30 kg bags of salt up a hill so they could be spread on a hill so it wouldn't ice over. I helped carry while the gym teacher did not, thus explaining why the kids don't hate me but routinely call him "bad man" and "devil" behind his back to me. The salt bag carrying students even went as far as to say "We unpaid workers...We slaves". The best line came from one of my highest level first graders when he said "Gym teacher angry. Be careful. Don't trust him." Wise words young one, wise words. I'm way ahead of you. In semi-related "What the fuck is going on?" moment at school, my principal just walked up to me when I was in the teacher room, tapped me on the shoulder, then when I turned around he pinched both of my nostrils shut with his thumb and forefinger and held it shut for several seconds while he blathered on to me in Korean. Needless to say, I was confused. When he let go of my nose, he simply walked away and left the office. WHAT THE FUCK?

Thankfully, the weekend arrived and I, as per usual, gathered with fellow foreigners to try through the theory that many heads are better than one to solve the mysteries of Korea. This weekend the setting was different, as we gathered at Phoenix Park outside of Wonju for skiing and the requisite Korea discussions. I tried snowboarding for the first time and it was quite enjoyable. As a small side note, if you are ever interested in trying skiing or snowboarding for the first time, don't do it in Korea. I have never seen so many people on so few of slopes, or so many inexperienced people around. Try to imagine a slope the busiest you've ever seen it, then probably double it and you'll have Korean ski traffic during the day on the weekend. Uggg. In two hours we beginner snowboarders went down the bunny hill twice, thanks to very long lines and slow movement down the hill. Not only was it insanely crowded but Koreans will plop their tiny asses down anywhere on the hill, so you must avoid frequent landmines in the middle of the slope. They make absolutely no attempt to get to the side of the slope for a break. Plus, just like in cars, they will cut you off and force you to violently turn to avoid hitting them. To show how oblivious they are to everyone around them, our group actually saw one girl talking on her cell phone as she went down the slope. Just frightening. A hilarious example of their vanity was when we spied a Korean women, sitting down, presumably in the middle of the slope, to reapply her makeup. WHAT THE FUCK? To make things more dangerous, there is very little true snow to cover over the ice, so all the runs are hard to maneuver in and quite hard to fall on (that I know from experience). All in all it was fun, but much more stressful than skiing should be. Our day ended early, as both mine and Amy's rental snowboards broke. I had one binding that wouldn't re-latch and Amy's kept coming unlatched. Mine actually forced me to walk it halfway down a hill, as the rest of the group was waiting at the bottom and I was getting tired of being whistled at by some guy directing traffic for being in the way. I messed up my left knee a bit, as on my last fall, I fell forward onto my face, but the board kicked up over my back and my knee got bent around. I didn't feel anything pop or tear, but it very easily could have given the fall. I probably just sprained it which is good because I really don't wanna have to deal with Korean medicine. That's another can of worms I would like to stay far, far away from. The situation improved after skiing ended, as the group of us went to a nice restaurant near our lodge, which was right on the mountain. Think Aspen or Vale or one of those places, where an entire city is pretty much at the base of the hill. Numerous hotels and hostels littered the skyline. The dinner was really wonderful, as the restaurant felt like a nice one back in the States, not just some divey hole in the wall like most restaurants here. We all had non-Korean food. I had a seafood pasta dish with clams (what?), shrimp (no way), and scallops (holy shit!). They even had legitimate alcohols, as I had a gin and tonic with Beefeater gin, while the other group members had wine, whiskey and other reputable liquors. I can't even remember how long it's been since I had a legitimate liquor that didn't suck. Our evening ended with a engaging conversation on all things Korea, past, present and future. The most interesting revelation was that many men more than simply dress and act kinda effeminate, actually are gay. This came as a shock to us, as we had been told that there were no gays here in Korea. None, zero. Obviously, there are gays here but we didn't realize how common it actually was until we talked to several teachers who have been here for several years. Apparently it is common for men who are married to have boyfriends on the side. These teachers said that many men, as do some in the States, have facade families with wives and children, while having boyfriends on the side. We all knew that Korean husbands rarely spend any time with their wives, as they are always hanging out with their male friends, but we didn't realize the severity and magnitude and connotations of it. This revelation was especially hard for Anna, who has had her sights set on finding a Korean man while she's here. Poor girl.

"You know self-hating Jews, right? Well, I'm a self-hating Korean. Probably the only one too."

With another interesting weekend here in Korea nearly in the book, I sit down at the ol' computer to bang out yet another recap of life here in Korea. Overall, it's pretty slow going right now, as my school just wrapped up finals last Thursday, meaning we have 2 more weeks of useless class left. Stupid, right? I'm not sure whether I'll be asked to actually teach the kids, which would be impossible, as they are definitely clocked out now that exams are done. But, judging by Friday, where the co-teacher asked if I had anything prepared and I obviously didn't given the zero notice as to what was going on, then just recommended I play Hangman with the students. Okay. So we shall see. In other news, the weather has been gorgeous, well, at least compared with the shitty weather you guys have back home. The temperatures for the last week have been sitting around the high 30s to low 40s for highs and somewhere in the 20s for lows. This of course means that we have absolutely no snow, and judging from the forecast, I won't be celebrating a White Christmas. Which could be a problem considering I'm supposed to go skiing next Saturday. Of course the slope can make snow, but with the highs being in the high 40s for the next two days and with the lows not even creeping below freezing, that may even be impossible. And I was really excited about "Korean skiing/snowboarding", which is the exact same as skiing anywhere else, except you add another 1,000 or so "obstacles", aka Koreans, to the slope. I don't know why I expected it to be any different than everything else. Wherever you go, you are knee-deep (literally, in this case) in Koreans.

This weekend's adventures took me yet again to Seoul. Sadly, Seoul is starting to feel a bit dull. It's probably the fact that it is a cold, rather soulless concrete jungle. It's got its sights, sure, but in general, it has the same boring lifeless architectural look as every other Korean city, just bigger. Tons of practically identical and drab apartment building clutter the sky with countless divey shops and stores nestled in between. I've heard that Seoul is attempting to address these issues, but I've yet to see results. Maybe someday. The goal of this weekend's quest was a Korean/English language exchange program meeting in one of the university districts. I'd been keyed in on it by Max, Yangpyeong's native "gyopo" (Korean word for a Korean who moves to another country and becomes a citizen there, Max's family moved when he was 5 months old and he's lived in New York ever since), as he speaks quite a bit of Korean and really wanted a chance to use it. Obviously, my Korean is not at a real conversation level, but I wanted a chance to actually use it at all beyond just simply ordering food or buying things. As I've addressed in previous messages, despite being in a country where everyone speaks Korean, Korean conversation is difficult, as we have no Korean friends, since apparently no Koreans between the ages of 18 and 40 exist in our town. Speaking with the teachers is a possibility, but they all wanna practice English and most couldn't really give a fuck about you learning plus what exactly do I have to talk about with a middle aged mother or father? The answer: absolutely nothing. I could talk to the soccer club about soccer, and penises, I guess, but that doesn't lead to terribly deep conversations. Thus, the dilemma. Anyways, we headed to Seoul to try our hand at speaking Korean and picking up some Korean chicks (I hear that is quite common, foreign dudes looking to satisfy their "Yellow fever" and Korean chicks looking for the elusive and terribly valuable ivory "tusk"). Simply finding the place was a chore, as it was supposed to be a "cafe" but when we went to the location in question, we found an apartment building where the cafe should be. I had joked when we couldn't find the place, that it was all a ruse where they mug some foreigners and take their cash, or it was actually just a big orgy. Honestly, the environs seemed to make my bullshit sound somewhat plausible, which is frightening in its own right. Eventually, we found out that the cafe was in the basement of an apartment, and as we traveled down the stairs, we passed through a cage door at the foot of the stairs. Okay, now we are thinking that we are most certainly gonna get robbed or fucked, probably both. Turns out that the actual room was pretty decent, with a bunch of furniture and big screen tv set up. The turn out was pretty solid, with around 20 people total. The Korean learners were from all over, from an Australian English teacher to a Finn working at the embassy here to a Korean orphan who was adopted by a French family, and now speaks French (native language), English, and Spanish. Hearing fluent English with a French accent fall out of a Korean looking guy is one of the strangest things I've seen since I've been here. Not sure if that is more or less strange than the Korean looking guy who speaks English with a fucking Russian accent that I met in Hongdae. Weird. The Koreans were pretty far ranging themselves, from university students to just various professionals looking to improve their English. One of the better English speakers was a cardiologist who's been to numerous conferences in the States. Maria, isn't your dad a cardiologist? Has he ever met this guy at one of his conferences? I think his last name was Kim.....Does your dad remember him?

Anyways, the exchange was good overall. Most of the foreigners were pretty much beginners, so it turned into more of a teach Korean, rather than speak in Korean time but it was fun none the less. The group headed out for drinks afterward, then a few of us grabbed some dinner when that died out, as some of us couldn't survive on shit Korean beer and bar snacks for sustenance. At dinner, I got to converse with two of the more interesting characters, the Australian and the self-hating Korean. Yeah, I know. I didn't think they actually existed. The Australian seemed to be the standard Aussie here in Korea, his existence revolving around 2 things: getting drunk and having sex with Korean women. Some of his stories were quite intense, as he actually got so drunk that he just passed out in the street in Hongdae, then came to when he felt some Korean digging around in his pocket to steal his wallet. His Korean is pretty damn good, which means the Korean chicks don't have a fucking chance. The real "character" was the self-hating Korean. I'm not talking just a little hate, this is "I want Korea to be wiped off the face of the map" kind of hate. The hate is probably related to the fact that he loves everything American, and that Korea is absolutely nothing like the US in so many ways. He lived in Brooklyn for 3 years, so his English is really good, and really fucking foul (pardon my language.....hahah). I believe he called Rain a "faggot" and dropped the f-bomb more than me, which is quite a feat. His criticisms were valid ones that seem to be common with most young Koreans disillusioned with the bullshit traditions. Why do we need all these politeness levels and variants? They borrowed the politeness stuff from China and Confusianism, yet the Chinese don't even bother with the shit anymore (so said another Korean who is learning Chinese from some Chinese friends). The Self-hating Korean really hates the job culture, where his managers just sit around and don't do shit, yet the lower level employees must blindly follow without criticism (come to think of it, that doesn't sound too much different from home). He really hates the businessman culture of getting drunk every evening. Seriously, wander any city street starting around 7pm (yeah, they must go straight from work to the bar and just pound them down) and you are bound to see numerous packets of suit-clad businessmen at fall-down drunk level. It's not like the Self-hating Korean doesn't enjoy binge drinking, far from it. He just likes to keep it to Friday and Saturday. The duo informed Max and I of another language exchange group that has a big party once a month, where, from the sound of it, much "cross-cultural exchange" takes place, just not necessarily of the language variety. Obviously this peaked our interest. Poor Max wants to meet some Korean ladies, but they don't want anything to do with him, as he looks like a Korean, but can't speak good enough Korean to pass as a native. But, as long as he sticks close to a whitey, he won't have any problems meeting Korean women. Seriously, I still can't get over this country's fascination with whiteys. I'm starting to think my mother doesn't even love me as the people here do. Sorry mom, but these people are pretty damn obsessed.

Just another dumb wayguk (foreigner) in a sea of intellectually superior Koreans....

Well, well, we meet again. Though it has been some time since we last spoke. My fault there, as I've been pretty lazy and there really hasn't been anything of note to discuss with everyone. I've been here long enough that I've slipped into a routine with most of my days. Get up, try to teach these poor children something, anything at all, become frustrated about something ridiculous/idiotic that my co-teacher did, try and not fall asleep out of boredom, go home and try and forget about whatever happened today just in time to start again tomorrow. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. I figure the days wouldn't be so monotonous if I didn't have something to be looking forward too, but I do, so the next several weeks are going to be quite painful to get through. Thankfully I have Friday nights at Bobo's with the foreigners and some sort of trip/get together over the weekend to clear my head and regain my sanity for a few hours or days.

Winter break is nearing, so each foreign has dealt with or is in the process of dealing with the clusterfuck that is vacation negotiations. In theory, it would be a very simple process, as we foreign teachers are provided with 20 paid vacation days, 25 for those in rural/bumfuck middle of nowhere schools, and we are only allowed to use them over winter and summer break. Those are the only rules laid down about vacation, that they must be used only during breaks. Each school usually has winter English camps for about 2 weeks during the break, but since the break lasts from Christmas to the start of March, it should be no problem, right? Just tell us when the winter camp is, and we can schedule are vacation around those two weeks. Or let us decide when we are going on vacation, then schedule the camps around that. That's all there is to it. Easy as pie (god damn it, I miss pie...). But since we live in Korea, and not in some country that operates through communication and common sense, it becomes a logistical nightmare. Take my example, for instance. I asked the other teachers back in October when the semester ends and when the winter camp is scheduled for, as I have a guest coming to visit and she needs to buy her ticket. I was informed that the semester ends on December 26th, but that I should wait for my co-teacher to come back before having her get a ticket, as the other teachers didn't know when the english camp is supposed to take place. Since the co-teacher wasn't coming back for another month, I couldn't wait until December, as the prices would be way too high, and had Alyse buy the ticket. Since there was no set date for the camps that anyone knew of, I assumed that the camp had yet to be scheduled and could be fit in around my vacation time. That was until the regular co-teacher came back about a week ago and worked her magic. On her first full day back on the job, she asked me when my friend was coming to visit, as the news of this had spread around the school...I guess. I told her that the ticket was booked for December 29th through the 14th of January. She then responded that those days don't work out, as the English camp is scheduled to begin on Monday Jan 5th. She quickly followed that up with the beautiful question, "Didn't you know that camps started on the 5th?". Thud. Thud. Thud. That is the sound of me beating my head against a wall over the absolute idiocy of that statement. How could I possibly know when the camps started? You never told me. Fuck, the other Korean teachers had no idea about this shit and there isn't even a language barrier there. When I explained that the ticket was already purchased and that she couldn't change her ticket around because of the money that would cost and that school starts right away after she leaves, thus making it impossible to move around the dates, she dropped let another wonder on me. She then started claiming that I can't even take that long of a vacation because I'm only allowed to use 10 days of vacation in winter and 10 during the summer. Where does that demand come from, I asked. Why, it's in the contract, she says. Thud. Thud. Thud. There I go again bashing my head against a wall, this time till my brain starts spilling out. Lady, I have read the contract front to back, forwards, backwards, with a blacklight, in case of hidden text, etc. Well, she says, just go home and read the contract again over the weekend, then we can discuss this again on Monday (subtext translation: You're just a dumb foreigner (wayguk is Korean for foreigner), how could you possibly understand this contract as well as me, a Korean). Well, these demands were blatant lies, as there is nothing stated like that in the contract. Though, to the Koreans, it seems that the contract is not really a set of rules, more like guidelines (yeah, I know I just stole that from Pirates of the Caribbean, I'm appalled too). This is best demonstrated from a direct quote by a Korean co-teacher to another foreign teacher here in town: "Just because it says it in the contract, doesn't actually mean you get it". Thud. Thud. Thud. Man, I gotta stop hitting my head against the wall here, as its bound to cause brain damage. The contract is set up to clearly state was is guaranteed and what have you. They most certainly hold us up to the very letter of the contract when it benefits them.

Another interesting let's take advantage of the foreigners cuz they don't know any better, took place last Thursday. The English speakers decided to have a meeting at the library to discuss teaching strategies, etc. without our Korean handlers so we could talk freely and openly about stuff. After the meeting when we tried to re-reserve the same room in the library for the next week, we were issued two demands. 1: Give the library a mission statement, listing our reasons for needing the room. 2: One of us has to "volunteer" to teach a group of 8 year olds every Sunday afternoon at the library. Now, 1 seems like a fairly unshady demand, although we wanna keep our meetings off the books, as we don't want the Koreans getting word of the meetings and shutting them down, under the guise that the foreigners are unionizing or some shit like that. 2, however, is an enormous load of dogshit. Last time I checked, you weren't conscripted into duty in order to just use a library. We assume it's just some small bureaucratic peon who wants to increase his standing at our expense. This stuff is getting really old, and its not gonna stop anything soon, not until Korea cools down about teaching English. I just feel so dirty and used. They could have at least called...